lovelyirony:

lasf;klaslk;f YEAH (also fuck yeah i’m including both jarvis and friday in on this they’re brother and sister i refuse to give up either) 

Supposedly, Justin Hammer released the footage to make sure that the Avengers’ public image was ruined. You know, the usual stuff. See someone in their underwear, cursing, occasionally crying and eating yogurt on the floor at two in the morning. 

What Hammer never expected was everyone to be laughing their asses off because Tony Stark doesn’t even mean to be funny, he just stares into his camera like he’s at the office. 

Stark cameras are always equipped with a clear image, audio, and the ability to zoom. Since Jarvis and Friday think they’re hilarious, they have full control of the perspectives capture. Jarvis is usually the one who takes care of the serious things, but Friday likes adding zoom and special swivel effects, because she’s the punk kid. 

So the public gets compilations of “Tony Stark Wanting to Die But It’s Ten Minutes Long.” 

It starts with the first roll of footage. Clint asks if you could eat the beans they put into Beanie Babies. 

Tony looks straight into the camera, face entirely dead. 

The next instance is when Bucky and Natasha are having a fight, there are knives involved, and one grazes past Tony and creates a hole in his shirt. He just looks over at it, and then looks directly into the camera. 

“What the fuck,” he says. 

And then, they’re having a meeting about how Steve nearly died, and Steve says it wasn’t that bad, he just leaped from a plane that was in the fucking air, no big deal there, and Tony just blinks, slowly swivels, and looks dead in the camera. 

“I want to die.” 

“Tony! We’ve talked about you!” Bucky yells. “You can’t say shit like that to the camera, what if whoever is watching thinks you’re serious?!” 

“If the footage gets released then millennials are gonna see it, and they relate to me,” Tony says. “The Spidey-kid says it all the time.” 

“Shouldn’t you get him help?” 

“Nah, he said eating Tide Pods was a joke, and now that’s passed. So I think he’s okay, I talked with his aunt about it.” 

The footage then cuts to Clint and Bruce doing some sort of dance game on a motherfucking Wii, who let that into his house, and Clint made Bruce dance to “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat Dolls, and he just walks away slowly. 

“I wish I couldn’t see, I wish I couldn’t see, I wish I couldn’t see.” 

The public’s view of Iron Man goes up by fifty percent. It’s awesome.